1
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,540
Alvin Butler's got a new wife.

2
00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:51,720
I wouldn't say new.
Looks more like reconditioned!

3
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:56,800
He was like that at school.
He needed two goes at everything!

4
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,140
I don't remember him at school.
Was he a cissie?

5
00:01:04,140 --> 00:01:07,020
He would be, by your standards.

6
00:01:07,020 --> 00:01:12,740
If he wasn't dropping worms down
girls' blouses... We had some fun!

7
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:18,120
Teaching the First Year to drink
ink! You had to in our gang!

8
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:24,940
I wonder if that's why
I've always been cautious about what's in girls' blouses...?

9
00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:30,440
I was damned glad to get
to Grammar School. (Bedwetters!)

10
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:35,680
Different sort of education...
we didn't have to drink ink!

11
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,920
Funny how life goes full circle...

12
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:56,700
after a glittering career I'm back
playing with the backward stream.

13
00:01:56,700 --> 00:02:00,100
But you're enjoying it. Quiet!

14
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:05,760
Clegg! Where are you steering?
I thought YOU were steering!

15
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,720
COMPO LAUGHS

16
00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:12,320
CRASHING

17
00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:23,700
I thought retirement would be
more...elegant than this.

18
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:27,440
Let me pick a winner,
I'll do thee some "elegant"!

19
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,800
I wish I knew more about elbows.

20
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:37,140
I thought there might be a
knighthood for my services to education.

21
00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:41,780
..You go through life picking up
pieces of information,

22
00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:45,320
but surprisingly little
about elbows.

23
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:51,000
I thought they might offer me
the Chairmanship of a few quangos.

24
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,760
I backed it last week!

25
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,560
Horse called "Quango" at York.

26
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,380
Odds-on favourite, 2.30.

27
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:03,040
Did it win?

28
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,920
No. But it nearly won the 3.00!

29
00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:13,720
I've just mended a mixer
for me Auntie Ivy.

30
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:21,620
Well, it's the first time I've ever
mended a mixer.

31
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,440
MIXER BEING USED AT HIGH SPEED

32
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:27,720
GRINDING NOISE

33
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:33,000
A-A-ARGH ! Milburn...!

34
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,760
MILBURN...!

35
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:41,600
Leave it to me.
You should have sent it to me.

36
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,200
YOU should be carrying this!

37
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,720
Oh no...it's me back!
O-ohh, me back!

38
00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:01,700
HE SIGHS
A headmaster has to be so careful socially.

39
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:06,400
A few laughs with a barmaid
and oh, dear...

40
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,760
A man makes enemies.

41
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,560
Then those rumours,
that I used to drink!

42
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:16,040
Used to?
Tha' can still shift a few!

43
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:20,560
If we're going to be friends
you must stop noticing things.

44
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:24,840
When I say "friends",
I'm speaking... In a whisper!

45
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:30,420
In general terms! As I see it,
there's no need for people to know.

46
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:34,240
It's not necessary to stress
things like that.

47
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:39,880
After all, we're all British.
I'm not sure about "ALL British"!

48
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:45,040
I have this unsettling suspicion
that me elbow is Lithuanian!

49
00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:49,960
Hey up, Seymour.
Don't give us that headmaster crap!

50
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:55,680
We've heard all the juicy gossip
about Her-from-the-Dress-Shop!

51
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:59,320
Cor! Lies!
You see what I'm up against.

52
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,600
Can't you practise keeping quiet?

53
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:07,500
I was only trying to interest her
in a...coat-hanger I'd invented.

54
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:10,140
Coat-hangers have been invented!

55
00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:16,320
Not like mine! Mine was hollow.
You could fill it with lavender-water.

56
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,240
You big Jessie!!

57
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:22,220
Not for me, you little prawn!

58
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,840
For a ladies' dress shop.

59
00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:29,800
I once got taken into a dress shop
by my missus.

60
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:33,520
They promise to love, honour
and obey...

61
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,940
and next you're inside
a dress shop!

62
00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:39,480
Women are funny!

63
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:45,060
Yours certainly are. They change
when they've got you hooked.

64
00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:48,760
Mine did. Changed me for
a chuffin' Pole!

65
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:54,100
That's highly understandable.
A name full of Zs and Ws...!

66
00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:59,440
By heck, they'll think twice before
cuttin' off his electricity!

67
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,900
I'm fed up with bein' married.

68
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:09,240
I mean, it sort of tapers off
after about...the third week.

69
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,880
It's not going to work anyroad.
Why?

70
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:17,280
She had no capacity for handling
me ferrets!

71
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,960
I spotted it at once.
They know, too.

72
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,420
"Will there be all them ferrets?",
she said.

73
00:06:24,420 --> 00:06:26,760
Silly woman!

74
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,320
Did you make the right choice?
Oh, aye...

75
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:34,140
You can't go through life
without a ferret!

76
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:39,240
..So there I am inside
this ladies' dress shop.

77
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,600
I'm trying to keep me eyes closed.

78
00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:47,740
Bad move, Norm. Never close mine.
Not in a ladies' dress shop.

79
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:51,800
I'm always eager
for a new experience!

80
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:56,340
Try as I might,
I kept catching glimpses.

81
00:06:56,340 --> 00:07:02,720
There was this big, blotchy woman
wearing something with the tiniest shoulder-straps.

82
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,800
So much shoulder
and so little strap.

83
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:10,000
I'm thinking - they'll never
hold. They'll never hold.

84
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,640
I had to leave the shop.

85
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,200
I've been thrown out
a few times meself.

86
00:07:18,940 --> 00:07:21,880
I was glad to get back outside.

87
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,380
It's great to come out
of a dress shop

88
00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:28,280
and feel God's good natural rain
on your face!

89
00:07:30,382 --> 00:07:31,682
Where 'ave you got to?

90
00:07:31,682 --> 00:07:34,522
Oh, there you are!

91
00:07:37,002 --> 00:07:41,042
Where's my carpet-shampooer?
You go off without a word...

92
00:07:41,042 --> 00:07:46,002
Suppose you get killed
and there's me with no shampooer!

93
00:07:46,782 --> 00:07:50,562
Did you hear?
Why is 'e not listening to me?

94
00:07:51,902 --> 00:07:54,202
Listen when I'm shouting at yer!

95
00:07:54,202 --> 00:07:57,542
I thought
we'd some tiles off!

96
00:07:57,542 --> 00:07:59,982
Where's my carpet-shampooer?

97
00:07:59,982 --> 00:08:04,242
Don't take another step.
Where is it?

98
00:08:04,242 --> 00:08:08,262
Seymour said he could fix it,
so I let him.

99
00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:11,122
Have you no more sense?

100
00:08:11,122 --> 00:08:14,962
He should be able to,
he invents things.

101
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:18,862
Aye, mostly excuses
when he can't fix it!

102
00:08:18,862 --> 00:08:21,602
Don't put your helmet back on...

103
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:25,262
You can't hear me with it on!
I know!

104
00:08:25,262 --> 00:08:29,142
They cost you a fortune,
does a good helmet...

105
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,622
but they're worth every penny!

106
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,882
Have a look in the mail-box,

107
00:08:45,882 --> 00:08:50,802
see how many applicants there are
for my postal courses. None!

108
00:08:50,802 --> 00:08:54,282
Same as last week -
demand remains steady!

109
00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:13,802
ALARM-BELL RINGS

110
00:09:13,802 --> 00:09:16,662
AND CONTINUES RINGING

111
00:09:16,662 --> 00:09:18,682
STOPS ABRUPTLY

112
00:09:26,162 --> 00:09:28,622
Well, get the key out. Key?!

113
00:09:28,622 --> 00:09:33,082
Yes, I suppose you laymen
are STILL using keys.

114
00:09:33,082 --> 00:09:37,642
To anyone who's up to date
technologically, keys are antique.

115
00:09:37,642 --> 00:09:40,182
A device from the dawn of history.

116
00:09:40,182 --> 00:09:43,962
Is that Dawn
from the "Canal Tavern"?

117
00:09:43,962 --> 00:09:45,882
Not necessarily.

118
00:09:45,882 --> 00:09:48,762
She's got some history, I tell yer!

119
00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:51,942
Pay attention, there's a good chap.

120
00:09:51,942 --> 00:09:55,422
Show me your keys.
Come on...chop chop.

121
00:09:58,262 --> 00:10:03,882
See how inconvenient it can be,
rummaging around for bits of metal.

122
00:10:12,902 --> 00:10:17,162
All right, we've made our point.
Keys are inconvenient.

123
00:10:17,162 --> 00:10:19,882
There's no need to overdo it!

124
00:10:22,582 --> 00:10:24,902
What is it?

125
00:10:24,902 --> 00:10:29,522
Don't you know?
I can't put me finger on it.

126
00:10:29,522 --> 00:10:34,362
Well, I'm certainly
not putting MY finger on it!

127
00:10:34,362 --> 00:10:36,942
It's a funny colour.

128
00:10:36,942 --> 00:10:41,782
Anything that's been in there
a while would be a funny colour!

129
00:10:41,782 --> 00:10:45,782
They still talk about that night
at the Squash Club...

130
00:10:45,782 --> 00:10:50,942
when it was announced that Her-
from-Cooper's-Cakes was pregnant!

131
00:10:51,562 --> 00:10:54,402
I don't see the point.

132
00:10:54,402 --> 00:10:57,222
Melvin Boothroyd dropped his racket.

133
00:10:57,222 --> 00:11:01,862
Witnesses told as to how
HE went a funny colour!

134
00:11:04,302 --> 00:11:06,802
Well, it just reminded me...

135
00:11:06,802 --> 00:11:09,482
all that talk about funny colours.

136
00:11:11,582 --> 00:11:14,922
Would you rather I stood over there?

137
00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:23,382
What is it I'm carrying around?
It's disgusting, that's what it is!

138
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:28,722
Why carry it round? Is it a piece
of desiccated ferret? No, it's not!

139
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:33,322
Looks to me like
dried hedgehog-dung!

140
00:11:33,322 --> 00:11:38,862
Then you'd better have another
search for the dried hedgehog!

141
00:11:39,402 --> 00:11:41,942
Don't start him off again!

142
00:11:44,582 --> 00:11:49,062
I still haven't found my key.
That's exactly my point.

143
00:11:49,062 --> 00:11:52,222
How old-fashioned keys are...

144
00:11:52,222 --> 00:11:55,362
WILL you come out of there?!

145
00:11:56,722 --> 00:12:00,602
How did he get like that?
It's life, Seymour.

146
00:12:00,602 --> 00:12:04,362
It's God that puts holes
in your linings.

147
00:12:04,362 --> 00:12:07,582
I believe HE might!

148
00:12:07,582 --> 00:12:10,262
I don't see who else it could be

149
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:16,282
who keeps putting his boot
through certain otherwise sure-fire schemes.

150
00:12:16,282 --> 00:12:21,122
All right...so I'm being tested.
I understand that.

151
00:12:21,122 --> 00:12:24,662
I just hope it's not getting
personal.

152
00:12:24,662 --> 00:12:28,782
You go astray
with one tiny barmaid...

153
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:32,042
Oh, it's so unfair!

154
00:12:34,262 --> 00:12:36,822
Does He punish you for a barmaid?

155
00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:39,522
His barmaids are punishment enough!

156
00:12:39,522 --> 00:12:44,362
Ginger were OK.
She looked like a man-eating carrot!

157
00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:49,082
She held all comers
at arm-wrestling for years.

158
00:12:49,082 --> 00:12:54,562
It's deeply moving listening
to accounts of his love-life.

159
00:12:54,562 --> 00:12:59,082
Aye, she were good to me.
She'd let you go when you screamed!

160
00:13:00,202 --> 00:13:03,622
Bought me pints when I had nowt
in me pocket.

161
00:13:03,622 --> 00:13:06,282
You had something in your pocket.

162
00:13:06,282 --> 00:13:11,322
While you were pleading poverty
you were rolling in hedgehog-dung!

163
00:13:11,322 --> 00:13:13,802
No...it weren't.

164
00:13:13,802 --> 00:13:18,042
I remember now.
I got it from Norah Batty!

165
00:13:18,042 --> 00:13:22,222
I've thrown it away.
Calm yourself, man...

166
00:13:22,222 --> 00:13:26,282
I've had it all these years
and now I've thrown it away.

167
00:13:26,282 --> 00:13:29,942
Well, don't just stand there...

168
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:33,562
It didn't look much,
but it had sentimental value.

169
00:13:38,522 --> 00:13:43,122
So, there I am without
a carpet-shampooer...

170
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:48,042
I'm all set to get it repaired
and it's gone!

171
00:13:48,042 --> 00:13:53,422
Gripping as it is listening to you,
I must get these scones on.

172
00:13:53,422 --> 00:13:55,942
Gone! You know where, don't you?

173
00:13:55,942 --> 00:14:00,862
'Ave we to guess?
Audience participation, is it?

174
00:14:00,862 --> 00:14:04,982
That muffin I married gave it
to Seymour Utterthwaite to mend!

175
00:14:08,802 --> 00:14:11,582
Seymour Utterthwaite?!

176
00:14:11,582 --> 00:14:14,922
Yes!
Is he no good?

177
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:19,462
Is he no good?
He's all mouth and trousers!

178
00:14:20,702 --> 00:14:26,402
Well, since he can't talk it right,
it's bash and crash!

179
00:14:26,402 --> 00:14:30,062
What about
all those qualifications?

180
00:14:30,062 --> 00:14:36,622
HE is just as big a bampot
as several others round here!

181
00:14:36,622 --> 00:14:43,102
Well, I always heard
that Seymour Utterthwaite was a mechanical genius.

182
00:14:43,102 --> 00:14:46,102
Where did you hear that?!

183
00:14:47,002 --> 00:14:51,202
Well...
from Seymour Utterthwaite.

184
00:14:51,882 --> 00:14:56,482
Aye, that's what he's best at -
advertising!

185
00:14:56,482 --> 00:14:59,822
After that it's ALL downhill!

186
00:15:00,762 --> 00:15:04,522
Oh, good(!) He's got my mixer!

187
00:15:04,522 --> 00:15:07,142
MILBURN!

188
00:15:10,022 --> 00:15:14,682
Stop splashing about.
Let's do this methodically.

189
00:15:22,262 --> 00:15:27,002
Help me, Norm. I meant
to have it buried wi' me.

190
00:15:27,002 --> 00:15:29,542
But what is it we're looking for?

191
00:15:29,542 --> 00:15:32,642
Well...some of us are looking for.

192
00:15:32,962 --> 00:15:35,682
A dried date!

193
00:15:36,982 --> 00:15:40,662
I'm NOT looking for that!
Don't be rotten!

194
00:15:40,662 --> 00:15:44,542
He wants to be buried with it.
Where's the shovel?

195
00:15:44,782 --> 00:15:49,362
You want buried with a dried date?
Definitely!

196
00:15:49,362 --> 00:15:51,822
Have you thought about cremation?

197
00:15:51,822 --> 00:15:56,302
A few more ingredients and you'd
come up like a fruit cake!

198
00:15:56,742 --> 00:15:59,302
Heh heh heh heh(!)

199
00:16:00,362 --> 00:16:03,002
That's very, very funny(!)

200
00:16:03,002 --> 00:16:05,462
Is nothing sacred to you two?

201
00:16:05,462 --> 00:16:08,182
Well, not about a dried date. No.

202
00:16:08,562 --> 00:16:11,462
You go and get it back!

203
00:16:11,462 --> 00:16:15,022
How? Me motorbike's not workin'!

204
00:16:15,022 --> 00:16:19,442
Just bring it back!
You gave it to him.

205
00:16:19,442 --> 00:16:25,582
You can't just tell a bloke
he's not trusted with your carpet-shampooer.

206
00:16:25,582 --> 00:16:28,342
Well, you'll 'ave
to think of something!

207
00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:32,302
Teach you not to hand
my things out to all and sundry.

208
00:16:32,302 --> 00:16:34,962
We're not flamin' Eskimos!

209
00:16:36,242 --> 00:16:38,302
Eh?

210
00:16:40,242 --> 00:16:44,482
What are you doing
with Norah Batty's dried date?

211
00:16:44,482 --> 00:16:49,522
Dost tha' remember that long,
hot summer a few years back? Mm.

212
00:16:49,522 --> 00:16:51,982
It went on and on. Mmm.

213
00:16:51,982 --> 00:16:57,002
That was the year I invented
the Utterthwaite Home Ice-Creamer.

214
00:16:57,002 --> 00:17:01,622
The whole nation sweltering
and I had the answer!

215
00:17:01,622 --> 00:17:06,722
So, what went wrong? Got at
crossed purposes again, didn't we?

216
00:17:10,022 --> 00:17:12,722
It were red hot, that summer.

217
00:17:12,722 --> 00:17:18,262
Day after day. Well, I hated it...
it was decisions every morning.

218
00:17:18,262 --> 00:17:21,442
Should I take
one of me pullovers off?

219
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:24,182
Everybody had their windows open.

220
00:17:24,182 --> 00:17:26,822
The heat was getting
to Norah Batty...

221
00:17:26,822 --> 00:17:31,742
She was wearing less and less
under that pinny of hers.

222
00:17:31,742 --> 00:17:37,222
Just a long frock, a vest
and her usual mixed bag of corsets!

223
00:17:38,082 --> 00:17:41,022
Where does he get detail like that?

224
00:17:41,022 --> 00:17:44,222
A washing-line has NO secrets!

225
00:17:44,782 --> 00:17:49,622
People were actin' funny with heat.
It must have been the tension.

226
00:17:49,622 --> 00:17:53,182
Married women fightin' over
bingo-callers.

227
00:17:53,182 --> 00:17:56,242
The insurance man
had a twitchy look.

228
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:59,762
And they kept getting the divi
wrong at the Co-op!

229
00:17:59,762 --> 00:18:04,242
Not me...no!
I was down to me shorts.

230
00:18:04,242 --> 00:18:08,282
They looked terrific
with his wellies!

231
00:18:09,402 --> 00:18:11,942
I was brown as a berry.

232
00:18:11,942 --> 00:18:15,322
I were wearing this dangler... What?

233
00:18:15,322 --> 00:18:18,722
Oh, it were made of some kind
of teeth.

234
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:21,122
Dentures?

235
00:18:21,122 --> 00:18:23,822
No - not dentures!

236
00:18:23,822 --> 00:18:27,462
It were shark's teeth...
I don't know.

237
00:18:28,182 --> 00:18:32,782
Dried hedgehog. I bet it was
dried hedgehog teeth!

238
00:18:34,462 --> 00:18:38,922
Listen, Rambo...do you want
to listen to this or not?

239
00:18:38,922 --> 00:18:41,702
We're hanging on every word(!)

240
00:18:41,702 --> 00:18:46,022
It was hot and we'd got
as far as your dangler!

241
00:18:46,022 --> 00:18:50,822
I were lookin' good -
very Burt Reynolds...

242
00:18:52,102 --> 00:18:56,862
An' I were getting through.
Norah used to squeal at my shorts.

243
00:18:56,862 --> 00:19:01,682
It's the tension you get between
a man and woman - different sexes.

244
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:04,702
Male/female tension - Norah Batty?!

245
00:19:04,702 --> 00:19:07,742
I tell thee. It were hot,
weren't it?

246
00:19:07,742 --> 00:19:11,942
And I'm strutting about,
drivin' her wild.

247
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:15,982
In shorts, wellies and a dangler.
Very fetching!

248
00:19:16,702 --> 00:19:19,702
You could feel the tension
crackling.

249
00:19:19,702 --> 00:19:23,662
Hottest Tuesday this century.
Norah were baking.

250
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:27,882
The hottest Tuesday this century
and she was baking?

251
00:19:27,882 --> 00:19:31,862
Mondays is wash-day.
Tuesdays is baking!

252
00:19:31,862 --> 00:19:35,262
Scones and a date and walnut cake.

253
00:19:35,262 --> 00:19:40,282
Ah! One of the great Yorkshire
aphrodisiacs. Date and walnut cake!

254
00:19:40,282 --> 00:19:43,762
Yeah... They said my ice-cream
was runny.

255
00:19:43,762 --> 00:19:49,562
I could have bottled it. But no,
they had to put it between wafers!

256
00:19:50,642 --> 00:19:54,122
You finished? Right. Now listen...

257
00:19:54,122 --> 00:19:57,062
So, I'm stretched out in the shade

258
00:19:57,062 --> 00:20:00,382
leafing through old copies
of the Ferret Fancier,

259
00:20:00,382 --> 00:20:06,022
when I get this tantalising whiff
of Norah Batty, my own true love,

260
00:20:06,022 --> 00:20:08,682
in the form of a
date and walnut cake.

261
00:20:08,682 --> 00:20:15,222
It must 'ave been the heat,
because I thought, Wally's with his pigeons.

262
00:20:15,222 --> 00:20:20,402
She'll be all alone.
Why don't I try for a slice?

263
00:20:20,402 --> 00:20:23,582
Pure Sound Of Music(!)

264
00:20:23,582 --> 00:20:26,882
She knew I were coming.
She sensed it.

265
00:20:26,882 --> 00:20:32,962
Wellies slobbering. The dentures
on your dangler clinking. I'm not surprised!

266
00:20:32,962 --> 00:20:39,022
Oh, you two can scoff,
but I'm tellin' thee she knew I were coming.

267
00:20:39,022 --> 00:20:44,062
I heard her gasp. I'm just
surprised it wasn't hysterics!

268
00:20:44,062 --> 00:20:47,082
"GO BACK! Go back!", she cried.

269
00:20:47,082 --> 00:20:52,362
"Don't fight it, lass", I said.
"Don't fight it!"

270
00:20:52,362 --> 00:20:57,762
"Just cut me a chunky slice
of that date and walnut cake!"

271
00:20:57,762 --> 00:21:00,662
Then she looks at me bare chest...

272
00:21:00,662 --> 00:21:04,682
panics...and starts to pelt me
with dried dates!

273
00:21:06,702 --> 00:21:09,242
I tell thee, lads...

274
00:21:09,242 --> 00:21:15,502
if tha's never stood
in the warm sunlight, outside Norah's kitchen,

275
00:21:15,502 --> 00:21:20,422
naked to the waist, with her
peltin' thee with dried dates...

276
00:21:20,422 --> 00:21:23,602
ohh, tha's never lived!

277
00:21:24,702 --> 00:21:26,782
Well, no...

278
00:21:26,782 --> 00:21:29,322
but don't stop now.

279
00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:33,362
Well, Wilkinson's dog came round
and scoffed the lot.

280
00:21:33,362 --> 00:21:36,902
Except one, which I saved
as a souvenir.

281
00:21:36,902 --> 00:21:40,402
And now I've gone and thrown
it away!

282
00:21:43,282 --> 00:21:48,342
Oh, let's help him find the damned
thing, for goodness' sake!

283
00:21:48,342 --> 00:21:52,702
I feel lost without it.
Threw dates at you, did she? Huh!

284
00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:56,962
Lucky for you
she wasn't baking a coconut cake!

285
00:22:02,602 --> 00:22:06,062
Hey up! It's Howard and Marina.

286
00:22:09,822 --> 00:22:12,862
Been out secret cycling again,
have you?

287
00:22:12,862 --> 00:22:15,762
W-What you lookin' for?

288
00:22:15,762 --> 00:22:19,742
Happiness, Howard. Just like you.

289
00:22:19,742 --> 00:22:25,002
What are you talking about?
We've only been out cycling,

290
00:22:25,002 --> 00:22:27,962
without a stain on our characters...

291
00:22:29,202 --> 00:22:31,722
How do, Marina?

292
00:22:31,722 --> 00:22:35,602
Nicely, apart from the bicycle.

293
00:22:35,602 --> 00:22:38,302
Hey up...!

294
00:22:38,302 --> 00:22:43,782
How DID you manage to get them
locked together like that?

295
00:22:44,562 --> 00:22:49,302
Tell him, Howard.
Tell them?

296
00:22:51,722 --> 00:22:54,682
Tell him something, Howard!

297
00:22:54,682 --> 00:23:00,062
Well...it's just...
having stopped to admire the view,

298
00:23:00,062 --> 00:23:03,682
as any keen touring cyclist might,

299
00:23:03,682 --> 00:23:08,962
we left our bicycles leaning
together. For convenience really.

300
00:23:17,382 --> 00:23:23,542
HAMMERING
All right. I'll hold it.

301
00:23:23,542 --> 00:23:27,582
CRASH
Ohh...! Ohh...!

302
00:23:27,582 --> 00:23:31,982
Ohh! The man's a complete fool
on the hammer!

303
00:23:31,982 --> 00:23:37,902
It's just the natural desire of a
husband to be above suspicion.

304
00:23:37,902 --> 00:23:40,942
Particularly when he's guilty!

305
00:23:41,642 --> 00:23:44,902
There's a rubber hammer inside...

306
00:23:44,902 --> 00:23:47,822
Amazingly clumsy
for a small person.

307
00:23:49,042 --> 00:23:51,102
Right.

308
00:23:51,102 --> 00:23:53,802
Open the door.

309
00:23:55,442 --> 00:23:59,002
Hey, Seymour. Tha's been burgled.

310
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:01,722
Somebody's stolen the doorknob!

311
00:24:01,722 --> 00:24:04,322
WHY a doorknob?

312
00:24:04,322 --> 00:24:07,302
So there's no fingerprints.

313
00:24:07,562 --> 00:24:10,002
That's clever, Norm.

314
00:24:10,002 --> 00:24:12,962
I removed it! It fell off.

315
00:24:12,962 --> 00:24:15,442
No, it didn't. Mine does!

316
00:24:15,442 --> 00:24:19,142
No, mine was removed for a purpose.

317
00:24:19,142 --> 00:24:23,262
It's been replaced by this piece
of electronic wizardry.

318
00:24:23,262 --> 00:24:27,202
"The Utterthwaite Intruder-Proof
Entryphone!"

319
00:24:27,202 --> 00:24:30,742
All that to replace a doorknob(!)

320
00:24:30,742 --> 00:24:36,302
But this little beauty
ALSO replaces all those keys!

321
00:24:36,302 --> 00:24:40,142
How does it work? It opens the door
when you speak.

322
00:24:42,322 --> 00:24:44,822
Open the door.

323
00:24:45,562 --> 00:24:48,442
Open the door!

324
00:24:48,442 --> 00:24:51,102
Maybe it's deaf.

325
00:24:51,602 --> 00:24:54,362
Open the perishin' door!

326
00:24:54,362 --> 00:24:57,762
Don't shout. It's not listening!

327
00:24:57,762 --> 00:25:03,662
It's not heard the right command.
It's been programmed for a code-word!

328
00:25:03,662 --> 00:25:09,222
Hey! Wowee! A code-word.
It's a complicated doorknob.

329
00:25:09,222 --> 00:25:13,182
It's simplicity itself.
Well, what is the code-word?

330
00:25:18,362 --> 00:25:21,002
(Codfanglers.)

331
00:25:21,962 --> 00:25:26,302
Codfanglers?! Keep your voice down.
This is confidential.

332
00:25:26,302 --> 00:25:30,402
WHAT sort of a code-word
is Codfanglers?!

333
00:25:30,402 --> 00:25:33,022
It's only a test word for starters.

334
00:25:33,022 --> 00:25:36,582
It has to be something people
won't stumble on.

335
00:25:36,582 --> 00:25:39,102
I'd hate to stumble on any...

336
00:25:39,582 --> 00:25:42,722
..by accident! Open the door.
Use the code-word.

337
00:25:48,522 --> 00:25:50,962
Codfanglers!

338
00:25:50,962 --> 00:25:53,702
It don't work. Let Clegg try.

339
00:25:53,702 --> 00:25:57,562
Come on, Norm -
this is your big moment.

340
00:25:58,982 --> 00:26:04,222
"Now then, Cleggy", they'll say.
"What have you been doing today?"

341
00:26:04,222 --> 00:26:07,282
"Well, you know how it is,"
I'll say.

342
00:26:07,282 --> 00:26:09,642
"I just...

343
00:26:09,642 --> 00:26:13,842
"I just got talking to this door."

344
00:26:16,002 --> 00:26:18,282
Norman!

345
00:26:25,162 --> 00:26:27,342
(Codfanglers.) Phew!

346
00:26:27,342 --> 00:26:30,522
Right. Pay attention.

347
00:26:30,522 --> 00:26:35,562
Now, as you see, the door remains
closed to strange voices

348
00:26:35,562 --> 00:26:38,442
even when they know the code-word.

349
00:26:38,442 --> 00:26:41,582
And the reason is, of course,

350
00:26:41,582 --> 00:26:45,582
that a voice print is as unique
as a set of fingerprints.

351
00:26:48,142 --> 00:26:51,102
And this ingenious little beauty -

352
00:26:51,102 --> 00:26:55,662
which simple justice demands
should make a bob or two -

353
00:26:55,662 --> 00:27:00,102
is programmed to obey
its master's voice ONLY.

354
00:27:00,102 --> 00:27:04,062
No matter who else shouts at it,
it won't answer.

355
00:27:04,062 --> 00:27:08,022
Would YOU answer a pillock
calling you names?

356
00:27:08,342 --> 00:27:11,602
Just wait there...
it'll answer to me.

357
00:27:11,602 --> 00:27:14,282
Codfanglers.

358
00:27:14,642 --> 00:27:17,422
..Soon as I get the pitch right.

359
00:27:19,062 --> 00:27:24,542
CODfanglers. You have to get
the pitch exactly right.

360
00:27:24,542 --> 00:27:29,742
CodFANGlers...CodfangLERS...
Co-odfanglers!

361
00:27:29,742 --> 00:27:33,562
 Codfanglers...
Codfa-anglers... 

362
00:27:33,562 --> 00:27:37,042
CODFANGLERS!

363
00:27:37,042 --> 00:27:42,102
CODFANGLERS!
It's ME, you stupid door!

364
00:27:42,102 --> 00:27:44,702
Codfanglers...!

365
00:27:53,722 --> 00:27:56,662
Have you finished with the mixer?

366
00:27:56,662 --> 00:28:02,262
An' Norah's going broody
for her carpet-shampooer!

367
00:28:05,702 --> 00:28:09,062
How are we going to get
these bicycles back?

368
00:28:10,762 --> 00:28:12,982
..A-ah!

369
00:28:19,522 --> 00:28:22,862
Good man! You're doing great.

370
00:28:28,642 --> 00:28:31,322
CODFANGLERS!

371
00:29:24,362 --> 00:29:25,962
Baa-ahh...

372
00:29:26,012 --> 00:29:30,562
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